Relationship Styles – What does Stonewalling mean?
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is shutting down during a conflict, going silent, looking away and refusing to engage, until the other person feels like they’re talking to a wall.
What does Stonewalling mean?
Stonewalling comes from “stone wall”, and that’s how it feels to the other side: you talk and get nothing back. It means shutting down in a conflict, going silent, turning away or leaving the room without saying when you’ll be back. Relationship researcher John Gottman counts it among the “four horsemen”, four patterns that predict breakups, together with criticism, contempt and defensiveness. It often comes last, after the others have built up.
Why do people stonewall?
Often not because they don’t care, but because they’re flooded. The heart races, the body switches into stress mode and clear thinking gets hard, so shutting down feels like the only option. It becomes something else when silence is used on purpose to punish or control. That’s the silent treatment, and when it happens again and again, it can be a form of emotional abuse.
How do you stop stonewalling?
Name it and take a real break instead of disappearing: “I’m flooded, I need 20 minutes, then let’s keep talking.” Gottman recommends at least 20 minutes, since the body needs about that long to calm down. Use the break to self-soothe with a walk, slow breathing or music, not to rehearse arguments. Then actually come back. That’s the difference to a healthy time-out: it has an end. If the pattern sticks, couples therapy can help.